I just had to stop myself from a full-on binge eating episode. It prompted me to turn on my laptop, and start writing this. Not very many people know about my addiction to food. Sure, people know I've struggled with my weight all my life and blah blah blah. But I think everyone assumes now that I'm down 100 lbs., everything is all good. It's not true. I'm not all good. Somtimes I feel worse.
Blame is a hard thing to do when you're old enough to realize you shouldn't blame anyone but yourself. But I am certain my initial food rewiring came when I was younger. My mom would use food as a reward. Going to the doctor? Trip to Dairy Queen! Just had a cavaty filled at the dentist? Going to Perkins for pancakes! I loved my mother so much in those moments. She knew food made it okay. Until food made me NOT okay. "Samantha, do you want to grow up and be a cow all your life" she would scream at me when she caught me in the fridge. Once, she caught me consoling myself with a bowl of ice cream, and she ran after me yelling the same sentiments. I threw the ice cream down the staircase leading to our lakeshore. She saw me do it, and I was so scared that I hid for hours. She terrified me. And since then, I have never been able to treat food the way a normal person can. Infact, I find myself crying over that memory, and it's nearly 15 years later. My friends think that story is funny...truth be told, it breaks my heart.
I have gotten smarter though...I don't allow triggers in the house. Triggers like ice cream, lots of cereal, breads, cookies...etc. I try to keep binge-friendly foods within eyesight. I can have strawberries, blueberries, vegetables...But lately with the move, people have been giving us food to "stock our shelves with". Suddenly there are boxes of cereals. There are loaves of bread. I find it so hard to be rude and decline such gifts, but damnit it makes life so difficult! I've put on 5 lbs. in the past couple of days because I'm eating foods in quantities that are harmful to me! PLEASE PEOPLE! Help me!
I was fine for breakfast. Just had my hot oats and a perfect calorie intake.
But lunch was the problem. See, when a binge happens...at least for me...I almost zone out. It's like I am not aware I'm doing it. My emotions take over and tell me the food will make me happier. The food will give me pleasure. I started lunch out fine. I made this tofu dish that probably only had about 300 calories in it. The problem was I saw bread in the fridge. The two ends of a loaf just sitting there. So I toasted them up, and put my fake low-cal butter on it. It tasted like love and warm puppies, and BAM - an hour later I was surrounded with evidence of a binge.
Following the tofu and two slices of bread with fake butter...I ate a bowl of cheerios with cut-up banana. Two slices of my low-calorie less tasty flat bread with fake butter. Two granola thins. A couple handful of dried cranberries. A low-calorie granola bar. I'm sure I had some cheese, too...as the bag looked a low in contents. In the blink of an eye, I ate nearly 800 extra calories that I DID NOT NEED. And it's raining and icky out, so I have no chance of burning it off with a bike ride. So, I don't know what I'm going to do...run in place for the next four hours until Jeff gets home? Eeck.
I know some of you are probably thinking I need help. Maybe some of you are thinking there are worse problems in the world to worry about (I know there are). But to me, this is serious. I need support. I need my family to STOP bringing me food that I do not allow! I need to stop treating food as a bandage for when I'm hurt, lonely, cranky, tired, bored...etc.
Maybe I should talk to someone about it...but I keep thinking I can shake this on my own. If I just avoid my triggers, I'll be fine. But every day, I am plagued with the terrifying fear of gaining weight back. I know I'm fit, and I know I am far more healthy and attractive than I have ever been. But I'm so confused on how to treat food. I know the answers on paper, yet when it comes to real life, the 8 year old in me takes over. I'm hoping writing about it will help me find a healthierT output for my emotions. Today is not shot. I will work out and try to burn as much as I can off. And tomorrow, I will make healthier choices. Tomorrow will be a better day.
2 comments:
Aw, Sam. I'm so sorry. I know how hard you have worked to improve your body and your life, and one tiny slip-up can feel like it is ruining everything. But like you said, tomorrow will be a better day.
Is there a food shelf you could take the food to that you get as gifts? I'm sorry that your family doesn't understand what food is "bad" for you :(
I have gained 10 lbs since I moved to El Paso because I eat when I get bored. It really sucks to be in a new place not knowing anyone or anything to do to combat boredom. I am here for you if you need to talk, even though I'm 2 thousand miles away.
Sam, I have thought for a long time now that you need to develop a weight loss mentor type program. I think you would be GREAT at it! I don't know if that means becoming a personal trainer of some type but you really need to go Jillian girl! I know that you have a great deal of knowledge in nutrition (heck I wouldn't have a clue how many calories I ate for lunch :) ) You also know how to push your body and get results. You know that those results don't come overnight and that there are ups and downs in the process. Through it all you have kept you eye on the goal and you have gotten yourself there. That is something that many people would be VERY inspired by. And, heck, now that your pretty lil' face has been all over TV you have will have a lot of people looking to you for help on how you did it! I don't know how involved you want to get with work or a job at this point in your life, but I do know that you would rock at it :)
Now, I have been up and down my whole life. I have never been able to get to a point where I am really comfortable with myself. That being said I can truthfully say that maintenance is NOT the easy part! I know exactly what you are talking about your posting above. It is VERY hard to deal with triggers all around you. However, with all that strength you have inside you can overcome ANYTHING! :)
Well that's my two cents anyway...maybe more :)
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