I am sitting in the warm glow of my fireplace. The drive on my laptop keeps whirring and I am snuggled up in an Afghan (the blanket, not the ethnicity). I am tired, and my stomach is full. I tried not to overeat, but it is Thanksgiving...and I have been hard at it for the past two weeks...and I have a million other excuses. Mainly, I am just lazy and wanted food.
Thanksgiving is hard for me. My mom left the first time at Thanksgiving, and then in a couple days comes their wedding anniversary. I remember my father was broken-hearted and angry, and I was washing dishes from the makeshift meal my Grandmother had prepared to help keep normalcy. (I was the only child left at our house by this time.) In a fit of rage, he yanked off his wedding ring and threw it from the living room. It hit me and I broke a plate. I had never felt so uncared for or invisible.
I know it has been six years, but that scene haunts me come this time of year.
Even sitting here, thinking about it, my eyes well up as if I am slicing into an onion.
Thanksgiving wasn't always so bad. It was my favorite holiday, save for Christmas. So I try to remember those instead. And truth be told, it is nice having my husband's side of the family to take comfort in. And I know I am welcome at my mom and her boyfriend's, but I still feel out of place and it is a little painful. I just wish I had a different defense mechanism than eating. I reach for food when I am sad. And Thanksgiving is like a giant apology for my pain.
But I will hide the scale for a couple days, kick ass on the bike, and eat sensibly. Whatever I put on today will vamoose and then it is just Christmas and New Year's to tackle. New Year's is another one of my favorite holidays. Nothing like the feel of a fresh start.
I am thinking of what I am thankful for. I am thankful for family, even with the past sometimes leaving me feeling confused or sad, they are still in my life and love me (well, minus the whole dead father thang) and my family that I am a part of with Jeff. I am thankful for my husband, because without him, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be thinner, I wouldn't be healthy, and I wouldn't be as happy. Even with my quirks, my feelings, and my vices, he loves me and takes me in whatever version of myself I wake up in. I am thankful for my other relationships, with my friends who are practically family. I am thankful for a home, heat, a vehicle, food, and my relatively untouched mind. I am thankful for my gifts of music and creativity in general.
I am thankful for those people in my life who leave me feeling beautiful, who leave me feeling important and inspired.
I am thankful for the people who have taught me lessons, even if they were painful ones.
All in all, I am thankful for the ability to take a breath, and do something with it.
Happy Thanksgiving :)
4 comments:
Dear Sam,
This really touched my heart tonight. Thanks for writing :) You are an amazingly strong woman (nothing you haven't heard before) and I wish all the best for you. I know that no matter what you write, you will continue to be strong and venture on the path you were meant to take, so I have no doubt in you.
Thanks for making us all reach for the stars.
xoxox,
Vicky B.
Sam, Sam Sam,
As always your writing gets right to the heart of it all. I'm happy you wrote this post, because I can never hear your vid posts, even when i max the vol.
This explains some of the fembot stuff-- which i was giving you crap about and hope you did not take offense to. You are right about the food, you'll take it back off. You have all the tools now and know what to do. Try to remember the only weapon you have against the past now is to pile new, better memories on to obliterate the old. Some of those will relate more to acceptance than perfection, and that's exactly how it should be. When you're feeling especially vulnerable, get a big hug from Jeff. Let him know he's your safe place and you know he'll step up. Works for me and Dan. :)
Love ya-- ;)
Aww Sue! You can never hear my videos? Sad! I can hear them okay on my end...wonder what the deal is? Hmmm.
Anyways, thank you both for your comments on this post. For me, writing out what I am feeling helps clarify and allow me to move on. This morning, despite my vow to hide the scale, I weighed myself and actually didn't do too much damage. It will be gone by Sunday morning, for sure. And this was, in fact, the first year I didn't want to dilute my feelings with cranberry vodka and pretend the damn holiday never existed. I am getting better with it! :)
And hearing such supportive, wonderful things from my close friends, like the both of you, help me to feel loved. You are important to me and I appreciate you!
The sound thing might be because I have a mac book? IDK. I always hear youtube vids etc. Maybe you have an input volume setting you could turn up? (me = clueless about this stuff)
:)
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