Did you know there's a town of Wheaton in Wisconsin?

Thank God My Hair Hides My Sex Face

Happy Hump Day!

Did you watch the little video? Did ya? I know! As my mother-in-law would say, "Darn, that Sam is good!" It is November 3rd today...and in a little over a month (December 7th) I will have been married three years. It is a strange thought sometimes, especially with this summer being the engagemapolocolypse among my peers...I've been there, done that. I'm past the honeymoon phase, and into the "Seriously, I labeled that basket "JEFF DIRTY STUFF FOR SAM TO WASH" and you still throw your work socks on the damn ground?" phase.

I'm not lying when I say it is wonderful to be stable...I've always dreamt of a husband that took care of me and let me pursue my many passions and helped me become a better person. Jeff has done all of that (and more!) for me, and I will love him every day of my life for it. But sometimes I envy the newly-lovecharged. They all have that look in their eyes that says "I'm about ready to rip your clothes off and take you behind this Taco Bell". Last night, as we were in bed and Jeff was drifting to sleep...he said to me "Did you shower? Because you kind of smell like bonfire" and then he was out. I guess that's what Rolling Rock does. Makes your wife feel smelly and then puts you to sleep. In all actuality, I was once paid for a gig in Rolling Rock. Which blew because I was 20 and the club was aware of it. Oh well, at least my band was happy. I digress...

We do have our moments though, and he can still surprise me and make me feel completely adored and loved and sexy. And sometimes he throws in the British accent to get me all riled up...He can be extremely sexy when he tries. Just want to put that out there so I don't sound like an ungrateful bitch. Hmmm...maybe I should shower?

I am also the proud new owner of about 20 pairs of amazing shoes. We stopped at a good friend of Jeff's from his old work last night...and after a glass of the most delicious Pinot Noir I've tasted, he mentioned his wife who had passed away had all these shoes and accessories he was trying to get rid of. It's another strange feeling...pillaging a dead woman's things. But she had Dior and Nine West and many pairs of cycling kits size medium...what would you do? I said a prayer, and dug in. Jim's such a love. I wish he knew how much we care about him. He's such a guy-guy, and it's tough to know he is still grieving and we can't help him in any other sense than the "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" kind. But you do what you can do...and last night, I think he just wanted to see some beautiful things go to a beautiful girl. Me, not Jeff. OHHHH SNAP. See what I do? I make jokes when death is involved because it is my defense mechanism! Thanks dead father!

Today, I plan on finishing a song I began to write yesterday morning. It's being written on the piano, and the chords are a flux between major and minor. It has some chemistry and it reminds me of someone which spurs me to perfect it. I also plan on some trivial housework, a spin session with my imaginary class, and maybe a little raking of the leaves.

Today's mantra: I will see the beauty in things great and small. And I will love like I have never been broken.

I Now Pronounce You Mrs. Breakfast Blend

It's 7:25 AM...Do you know where your Sam is?

She's right here, yo.

Drinking her coffee.

Enthused for the day ahead...see?

So this morning, I married my coffee. It was a beautiful ceremony. I vowed to add some skim milk and a splash of sugar-free syrup, and it vowed to keep me going through thick and thin. A pretty good trade if you ask me. See that giant cup? I love giant coffee cups. Maybe it is due to my addiction to the show F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Anyways, my coffee and I are very happy together. Please send all monetary forms of congratulations to Star Prairie, WI. Thanks.

What a weekend. I don't even remember what we did Friday evening. Saturday was the Elk River Hellside mountain bike race. I always get nervous tummy before races...and Saturday morning was no exception. It reminds me of when I used to have gigs all the time. If I didn't watch Office Space the day of and sing every lyric in the car on the way to the show, my stomach would remind me why those are my cliche-musts and punish me for breaking the rules. Granted, mountain biker stomach is a little more forgiving, but not by much.

Anyways, this race has been a favorite since I rode in the rec women's class last year. This year I jumped to the added distance of Advanced Women...and took 1st place. After the race, I went up to Brendan Moore and told him it was a strange event not being lapped by him out on the course...(For those not in our MTB world, Brendan has fetus-calves and is the fastest rider in Minnesota and took 1st in the points for the national calculations. He's pretty much the best of the best and rides for Trek) I remember when Jeff and I started racing last year, people referred to him as if he was some God on two wheels. So of course, wanting to fit in, we joined in on the hero worship. He is, of course, deserving of a little worship, but Jeff and I have had the pleasure of just shooting the breeze with him and his beautiful wife.

He came up to me after my commercial had aired during the Olympics and struck up a conversation with me. Right afterward, about five different people came up to ask me what the Holy Brendan had said. I wonder if that gets old for him?

Thanks to the Buck Hill race series last year, I learned how to be passed by the fast boys without hindering their race or mine. And I think people like him respect that kind of dedication to the sport; to know the rules and the etiquette and really want to better yourself as a racer. I found men like Brendan and a couple of the other expert/comp guys were FAR nicer to me when I jumped up to Expert than some of the women. I kept hearing things like "She really shouldn't do that" or I even heard "Can't believe they even gave her a license". The real reason I jumped up? Just to see if I could. I made it a personal challenge to train for that level. I'm well aware that I'm not as fast or technical as Rebecca Sauber (who is the prettiest mountain biker on the planet, I swear) but I can honestly I was NEVER dfl...(dead f*cking last as the classy kids say). I am proud to say my cardio is awesome and challenging myself to that level forced me to learn better control and technical skill. I am a much better racer now. So sharing the 1st in Advanced podium spot with Brendan Moore of the maley riders was a proud moment...even if people think it is a race that doesn't matter. It mattered to me!

So that was my Saturday. It was also Jeff's birthday. He turned 29 and spent the night giving me attitude about feeling old and boring. All I wanted to do was give him love and express how blessed I feel to have him as my husband and friend, and instead I got Xbox shoulder and snarky remarks. He can be such a crab sometimes.

Sunday was fun, though. I spent the morning writing music and then we celebrated Jeff's birthday with his parents, brother, and sister-in-law. We also celebrated Halloween with candy :)

Another thing I'd like to ramble aimlessly about is my music. After I lost the weight and settled in to wife/mountain biker life...it took a backseat. People kept ragging on me and telling me what a waste it is for me not to be playing out or buried in the studio. It got really old trying to explain how much happier I was in the new version of me. I just wanted a break from trying to impress people. And I couldn't write a clever lyric if a gun was pointed at me. I was drained.

Now I'm alive creatively again. Granted, some of my inspiration is due to my overactive imagination...but a lot of it is due to the lack of pressure. I feel like I'm safe to write whatever I want. I no longer look at my guitar resentfully. I pick it up and out of nowhere...I have words in my mouth.

So that's where this stuff comes from http://www.purevolume.com/TheSamanthaProject

Modern Severance and the revamp of Make Up My Mind are currently my favorites.

Alright...enough from me. OH I LOST 2 lbs. Okay now that is really it.

Today's mantra? I am going to be the person I want to be today. I am energetic, fit, creative, loving, flirtatious, and kind.

Skinny Bitches and Mad Men

GOOD MORNING!

Getting up at 5:15 in the morning is tough...

especially when you drank too much wine the night before...

But I have some things I would like to share. Since losing a crap ton of weight, many of my friends have asked me for tips, secrets, or just plain encouragement. I cannot express how good this makes me feel. I am not going to lie - I could not have lost the weight without a great support system. My friends of course were wonderful, but the biggest kudos bar in the box goes to my sweetheart, Jeff and his wonderful mother, Marlene. Jeff because DUH he's wonderful and works his butt off so I can have the time to workout and shop for healthy foods and cook healthy meals. He is also wonderful because he loves me and accepts me for the person I am today, while still respecting and loving the person I was back then. Marlene...well, she makes me scarves. 10 lbs. a piece. I really just lost the weight for the scarves.

Anyways, all rambling aside...I wanted to congratulate the friends in my life that have lost weight. My two best friends, Mike and Amy - are both healthier and more toned than they have ever been since I've known them. They are damn sexy if you ask me.

Also, there are about four ladies I know who are constantly working on their bodies. I would name them, but I'm not sure how they would feel knowing I constantly think about them. :-p I hope they know that I am proud of them, and respect all their hard work!

Thinking about this stuff has prompted me to pull out some old photos. Lets compare Sam's. And I apologize in advance for not having a scanner... :)

That picture was taken during homecoming week when I was a queen candidate. Truthfully, I campaigned for the previous 2 years gathering up all of the votes so that I could take on the popular girls and win one for the nerd-team. Then it turned out all of us were the nice ones that got nominated. Anywho...that jacket is a MENS 3XL. I remember when my mom took me to the embroidery shop to get it...I felt so embarrassed and sad that I couldn't even wear the girl's version of the jacket. Fast forward 5 years...

This is my Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Minnesota official warmup jacket. It is a LADIES size Medium. The shorts (compliments of Miss Tara Steele) are also mediums. I love this picture. The medal around my neck is my 3rd place finish in EXPERT at that state race. I feel beautiful and proud.

REWIND!

Let's compare velour outfits here. The one on the left was for picture day. I was so happy because I thought I was adorable. When I got to school that morning, I remember a fellow classmate asking me why I stole a car cover to wrap around my fat. Kids are stupid (car cover, really?) but they are cruel. At least it didn't stop me from thinking I'm adorable! Check out the picture on the right now...Yep...^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ That dress is a personal favorite. It was the first dress I had ever bought that was a size SMALL. From TARGET! Target thinks I'm a small! Yay. Actually, sometimes Target thinks I'm a medium or a large, too...but no need to dwell....SMALL!


I'm not going to bring up the fact that I look like my mother in the picture on the right. OKAY - So! On the left you have my best friend, Michael. Him and I have been friends since high school. My grandma thought we were dating...sorry Grams! Mike likes boys. I didn't know that in high school though...I thought he liked me. Ohh, how many gays I've loved. Finally...my 'dar has improved and I can tell who likes the vajayjay and who does not. Back to topic - Mike and I were both heavy in high school. Maybe that's why we were such good friends...we both felt uncomfortable in our own skin. The picture on the right was taken last year at my other best friend, Amy's birthday shindig. Look how we both are smiling from healthier faces. Healthier minds. Mike was my senior prom date. It was the best prom a girl could ask for...minus the hot and heavy petting everyone else was doing. If anything happens to the love of my life, Jeffreyah, I will marry Mike so he can have health insurance. :)

MOM! ACK! What the hell was the thought process behind this 'do? I love my mom...I do, but man...this is priceless. There isn't even a photo to compare this to now. It's that heinous. Moving on!

Look! Sam on bikes! In the past, my idea of biking was pedaling around on this contraption that left me out of breath and hungry for twinkies! Now I ride a different kind of bike. Still out of breath sometimes, and still hungry for twinkies...sure...but I swear - It's different! Ohh...remember twinkies? Damn. I haven't had one in ages.

Well...there you have it. A little trip into the history of chubby Sam versus lean Sam. I look at these pictures on days when I feel dissatisfied with my current weight or accomplishments. It is hard to be your own biggest cheerleader all of the time. Fortunately for me, I have a bunch of other people telling me I'm beautiful and sexy and gorgeous. That helps. So hey - If you are having one of those days where you feel mopey or fugly, remember how beautiful and sexy and gorgeous you are!

Life is a Daring Adventure or Nothing

This was the title of a friend of mine's blog, and I adored it. So I stole it. Thievery is sometimes acceptable, right?

I am feeling poetic tonight. There are new people in my life that are filling me with all sorts of wonderful feelings. These men and women are reminding me that I am a force of nature. It feels good to be thought of in this way. How could it not?

So I am going to write some poetry...and I have not written like this in ages. Perhaps it's the musical side of me coming out again (as I recently played a gig and now have the bite to play some more).

YOUNG RED WINE

She feels no longer subsequent.
She embraces the brash and is amorous to the brim.
A constant ambush on the senses yet an island in a restless sea.
Rich, mysterious, full-bodied and pleasureful.
She feels the way heaven would feel if poured into a glass.
Drunk on words that linger.
Intoxicated on bliss.


DAYLIGHT

I wake in early hours,
disrupted solitude that leads to wanderlust of the mind.
The stars are brightest when the night is blackest.
It is the kind of beauty you can only stare at for moments before it overwhelms and envelops you.
Then the pink rush of day comes, and reminds you of the truth.
The sun will soon blind me. And I will envy the moon for the company he keeps.


MY SKIN

I am cool to the touch like crisp, fresh linens.
I am silky and smell of lavender.
I glow with anticipation for a weclome interruption.

Life's too Short

This morning, as my Facebook status described, I woke up to the radio. The song "So Into You" came on partway through the last chorus. This song always reminds me of my dad, because it was on one of those best of the 70s compilations that I got from him. In a split moment, I was reminded of those nights when my dad was going through chemo and wasn't able to sleep because he was too jittery. I was going through my night-owl phase - coming creatively alive past 11pm - which worked great for living upstairs in my old house because I could play my guitar as loud as I wanted and he never said a word. Never told me to turn it down. And once in a while, I thanked him by playing something old like that, or Boston, or Foreigner. It will be five years this coming spring that he died. Man, that went by fast.

I went to coffee with a very old friend of mine who was obese just like me as a kid. He was a grade older than I was. We used to spend our weekends making cookie dough and watching movies. He had a cancer scare when he was 17, and the doctors told him to drop the weight or he'd have no chance if it came back. He has lost about 130 lbs. When we were drinking out coffees, we both admitted how unfortunate it was that we waited until now to get healthy. It just feels like life is too short to spend it being big.

I found some pictures yesterday of me circa 2000-2005. When I wore 3XL shirts and size 26-28W pants. I was so sad on the inside. Boys never looked at me in that way. I had no idea how to flirt, as it was never done properly to me. So my attempts at conversation were awkward and probably came off as weird.

Alot of people don't know that Jeff has lost about 50 lbs. He was 205 when I met him. On our first date (Oct. 7th it will be 5 years since we met) - I thought he was heavenly looking and assumed he'd take one look at me and call it a night. He didn't. Flash forward to more than 150 lbs. lost between the both of us...our meals are for the most part planned and nutrient rich. They are healthy, and I would say I really enjoy eating them. But sometimes we reminisce about when we ate whatever we wanted. The plates of fettucine alfredo with bacon crumbles. The pizzas and bottles of wine. Pancakes and omelettes. Mmm. Horrible for you. And yeah, people can say "moderation" all they want - but when you're sitting at the table with that plate in front of you - you're not thinking moderation. You're thinking holy shit this looks amazing! So I sparingly allow those treats in our diets because I have no willpower when it is right there, begging for me! Next Thursday is our first date-aversary and we are going to the restaurant we went to on that night. I am going to have the fettucine alfredo because life is too short to ban things alltogether. But I also know that before and after I will be throwing in extra workouts to negate my decision.

Anyways, that was a side-step away from my initial concept of life is too short to be chubba. There's this rider, Rachael Jensen. She's like the fastest thing on two wheels, and I swear she is destined to be on the cover of Bicycling at some point. She is only 13. When I was 13, I was more concerned with the popular girls not making fun of me for being fat and my sister not joining in on the fun. I couldn't bike, and when I did, the frame flexed so bad I thought it would break. I am so ENVIOUS of Rachael. She is so young, and so fit, and just the NICEST young lady on the planet. I hope she appreciates how healthy and active she is. It prompts me to feel disappointed that I didn't get fit sooner. But then again, no regrets and blah blah blah.

My dad ate fast food everyday. My mom NEVER sent him to work with lunch. I don't know if it just happened that way and then became the norm? Or if it was him saying "this is what I'm having!" I wonder if his diet of McDonalds cuisine everyday led to him getting sicker easier? I wonder if he had healthier meals, if his cholestoral would have been better. If his body would have defended itself better. Hmm.

All I know is I am not going to spend another minute on this planet in fat clothes. I am not going to be one of those moms who can barely bend over to pick up their little one. I know life is too short to cut it shorter by being big.