1 Holiday Down...2 to Go!

I am sitting in the warm glow of my fireplace. The drive on my laptop keeps whirring and I am snuggled up in an Afghan (the blanket, not the ethnicity). I am tired, and my stomach is full. I tried not to overeat, but it is Thanksgiving...and I have been hard at it for the past two weeks...and I have a million other excuses. Mainly, I am just lazy and wanted food.

Thanksgiving is hard for me. My mom left the first time at Thanksgiving, and then in a couple days comes their wedding anniversary. I remember my father was broken-hearted and angry, and I was washing dishes from the makeshift meal my Grandmother had prepared to help keep normalcy. (I was the only child left at our house by this time.) In a fit of rage, he yanked off his wedding ring and threw it from the living room. It hit me and I broke a plate. I had never felt so uncared for or invisible.

I know it has been six years, but that scene haunts me come this time of year.

Even sitting here, thinking about it, my eyes well up as if I am slicing into an onion.

Thanksgiving wasn't always so bad. It was my favorite holiday, save for Christmas. So I try to remember those instead. And truth be told, it is nice having my husband's side of the family to take comfort in. And I know I am welcome at my mom and her boyfriend's, but I still feel out of place and it is a little painful. I just wish I had a different defense mechanism than eating. I reach for food when I am sad. And Thanksgiving is like a giant apology for my pain.

But I will hide the scale for a couple days, kick ass on the bike, and eat sensibly. Whatever I put on today will vamoose and then it is just Christmas and New Year's to tackle. New Year's is another one of my favorite holidays. Nothing like the feel of a fresh start.

I am thinking of what I am thankful for. I am thankful for family, even with the past sometimes leaving me feeling confused or sad, they are still in my life and love me (well, minus the whole dead father thang) and my family that I am a part of with Jeff. I am thankful for my husband, because without him, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be thinner, I wouldn't be healthy, and I wouldn't be as happy. Even with my quirks, my feelings, and my vices, he loves me and takes me in whatever version of myself I wake up in. I am thankful for my other relationships, with my friends who are practically family. I am thankful for a home, heat, a vehicle, food, and my relatively untouched mind. I am thankful for my gifts of music and creativity in general.

I am thankful for those people in my life who leave me feeling beautiful, who leave me feeling important and inspired.

I am thankful for the people who have taught me lessons, even if they were painful ones.

All in all, I am thankful for the ability to take a breath, and do something with it.

Happy Thanksgiving :)

A Little Tease

So, I started playing with a song. It's completely written and recorded...but now I have the lengthly task of mixing and adjusting and playing to get it right. But, since I hyped how awesome I thought I was last night...I am posting a little teaser. It is two parts of the song just thrown together in an mp3.

https://sites.google.com/site/thesamanthaproject/Teaser.mp3

Thank You Fran Healy!

For signing my guitar and not thinking I'm a stalker! I wrote you a song!

The Letter

http://www.purevolume.com/TheSamanthaProject/albums/Teasers

This song is brand new. It was inspired a little from my parent's divorce, as well as some of the neglect that I'm sure all wives feel sometime or another...We can call it a glorified anthem to the hunting widows? I guess what I am trying to say is don't read too much into it. Music I write is not necessarily drawn from the entirety of my personal life.

Also, this is just a sample from the work I've been doing. You'll notice there isn't bass on the song. You'll also notice the levels are a little funky during the jam-out at the end. Everything will get eventually messed with to perfection. The telephone sounding EQ though throughout the beginning is intentional, though. Just sayin'.

Yay for bad covers!

Shorts on November 10th.

I am sitting on the lavender shag that is my bedroom floor. To my left, my cellphone and the air purifier that quietly hums all night long. To my right - the subwoofer of my bedroom system with a glass of freshly poured shiraz sitting dutifully on top. I can still smell the faint aroma of musk that clings to my skin after a hot, steamy shower. It is just after 7 p.m.

Following one of those frustrating married moments...the kind where you realize your spouse is not on the same wavelength as you that moment...I said "fuck it" to my original plan of getting my workout in at 6:30 p.m. downstairs on the trainer. I asked Jeff if it still felt as warm as it did earlier, and he said, "warmer..."

I hurriedly threw on my Shebeast shorts (that's right, November 10th and I could wear shorts) and my Castelli jersey. I asked Jeff to throw on the lightset on Vajazzle and let me go. He voiced his concern of it being dark, and that I shouldn't go alone. Funny, the old and always scared Sam would have agreed. But I am no longer scared of being alone. In fact, at times, I literally crave it. I used to be terrified of being alone with my thoughts or my feelings. Tonight, all I wanted was to be alone with them. To caress them and remind them how important they are. To love them. So I kissed him lightly on the cheek and said, "If I am not back in an hour, come find me".

There is something entirely erotic and sensual about night riding. Pretty sure my racer and rec rider friends wouldn't admit to it - but hell, I'm Sam. I am pretty vocal...eye cock. It really turns me on to be out there. The dependency on all of my senses is what spurs me.

One stretch of road in particular is the highlight of my training loop. It is a 2 mile stretch of heavily wooded, winding road followed by a lengthily hill climb. I could taste the warmth in the air. It tasted wet like snow should be on the ground, but too warm for it to be winter. I could see the eerie glow of deer hiding in the ditches. Their eyes would catch my light and remind me I am not completely alone. I could hear the roar of distant car engines. No music on a night ride - I have to be completely focused to be safe. You never know what creature or vehicle will sneak up on you. My nose was completely bombarded with scent. The Wisconsin countryside provides a vast array of such smells. Inhaling brought forth memories of being a little girl and hiding from the curfew bell. It smelled like forest and nighttime...like trouble, adventure, and danger. I felt alive and on the prowl. That hill was my prey, and it was mine for the taking. I could feel the subtle vibrations of the uneven asphalt. Sweat was dripping down the sides of my face, crystallizing in a stream of salt. The collar of my jersey felt scratchy. My legs wanted me to stand up and pounce. I never deny my legs the pleasure...

I stood up, cranked as hard as I could, and felt my lungs ache and beg for reprieve. The moment I overcome a hill - be it on the road or a switchback up the mountain - it's like a climax. It is the culmination of every sense meeting with the desire and lust for accomplishment. It is ecstasy.

I may not be the fastest. I may not be the most technical or talented rider. But damn, I feel so aggressive. So passionate. So in love with what riding provides me. It burns calories, frustration, and anxiety.

So with that said...I fully suggest riding at night. Make sure you have a red tail light (especially if you are road riding) and a good helmet and bar light combo. I recommend MagicShines (dealextreme.com) but anything you like will fit the bill. You may not feel the joy as I describe it, but I guarantee you will feel excited and ready to attack. Rowr!

Don't You Call Out My Name....SAAAAAAM!

Feeling nostalgic and bringin' out the oldies!

And hey...what if I released an album under Samantha Draper? Creepy or cool?

Olive Juice...Sanks!

So the sound quality blows....but tough noogies, man. Deal. It's me. And side note - I need a new name. I do not want to release another work of awesomeness under my old stage/maiden name. Think of something clever. I have a couple ideas...but am open to suggestions!

Here's how the new album is shaping up so far:

Make Up My Mind, Wheaton County, Draper, Unwittingly, Modern Severance, Make Up My Mind Redux, Olive Juice (I totally just fell in love with it), Love, The Parting, and Englishmen.

Did you know there's a town of Wheaton in Wisconsin?

Thank God My Hair Hides My Sex Face

Happy Hump Day!

Did you watch the little video? Did ya? I know! As my mother-in-law would say, "Darn, that Sam is good!" It is November 3rd today...and in a little over a month (December 7th) I will have been married three years. It is a strange thought sometimes, especially with this summer being the engagemapolocolypse among my peers...I've been there, done that. I'm past the honeymoon phase, and into the "Seriously, I labeled that basket "JEFF DIRTY STUFF FOR SAM TO WASH" and you still throw your work socks on the damn ground?" phase.

I'm not lying when I say it is wonderful to be stable...I've always dreamt of a husband that took care of me and let me pursue my many passions and helped me become a better person. Jeff has done all of that (and more!) for me, and I will love him every day of my life for it. But sometimes I envy the newly-lovecharged. They all have that look in their eyes that says "I'm about ready to rip your clothes off and take you behind this Taco Bell". Last night, as we were in bed and Jeff was drifting to sleep...he said to me "Did you shower? Because you kind of smell like bonfire" and then he was out. I guess that's what Rolling Rock does. Makes your wife feel smelly and then puts you to sleep. In all actuality, I was once paid for a gig in Rolling Rock. Which blew because I was 20 and the club was aware of it. Oh well, at least my band was happy. I digress...

We do have our moments though, and he can still surprise me and make me feel completely adored and loved and sexy. And sometimes he throws in the British accent to get me all riled up...He can be extremely sexy when he tries. Just want to put that out there so I don't sound like an ungrateful bitch. Hmmm...maybe I should shower?

I am also the proud new owner of about 20 pairs of amazing shoes. We stopped at a good friend of Jeff's from his old work last night...and after a glass of the most delicious Pinot Noir I've tasted, he mentioned his wife who had passed away had all these shoes and accessories he was trying to get rid of. It's another strange feeling...pillaging a dead woman's things. But she had Dior and Nine West and many pairs of cycling kits size medium...what would you do? I said a prayer, and dug in. Jim's such a love. I wish he knew how much we care about him. He's such a guy-guy, and it's tough to know he is still grieving and we can't help him in any other sense than the "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" kind. But you do what you can do...and last night, I think he just wanted to see some beautiful things go to a beautiful girl. Me, not Jeff. OHHHH SNAP. See what I do? I make jokes when death is involved because it is my defense mechanism! Thanks dead father!

Today, I plan on finishing a song I began to write yesterday morning. It's being written on the piano, and the chords are a flux between major and minor. It has some chemistry and it reminds me of someone which spurs me to perfect it. I also plan on some trivial housework, a spin session with my imaginary class, and maybe a little raking of the leaves.

Today's mantra: I will see the beauty in things great and small. And I will love like I have never been broken.

I Now Pronounce You Mrs. Breakfast Blend

It's 7:25 AM...Do you know where your Sam is?

She's right here, yo.

Drinking her coffee.

Enthused for the day ahead...see?

So this morning, I married my coffee. It was a beautiful ceremony. I vowed to add some skim milk and a splash of sugar-free syrup, and it vowed to keep me going through thick and thin. A pretty good trade if you ask me. See that giant cup? I love giant coffee cups. Maybe it is due to my addiction to the show F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Anyways, my coffee and I are very happy together. Please send all monetary forms of congratulations to Star Prairie, WI. Thanks.

What a weekend. I don't even remember what we did Friday evening. Saturday was the Elk River Hellside mountain bike race. I always get nervous tummy before races...and Saturday morning was no exception. It reminds me of when I used to have gigs all the time. If I didn't watch Office Space the day of and sing every lyric in the car on the way to the show, my stomach would remind me why those are my cliche-musts and punish me for breaking the rules. Granted, mountain biker stomach is a little more forgiving, but not by much.

Anyways, this race has been a favorite since I rode in the rec women's class last year. This year I jumped to the added distance of Advanced Women...and took 1st place. After the race, I went up to Brendan Moore and told him it was a strange event not being lapped by him out on the course...(For those not in our MTB world, Brendan has fetus-calves and is the fastest rider in Minnesota and took 1st in the points for the national calculations. He's pretty much the best of the best and rides for Trek) I remember when Jeff and I started racing last year, people referred to him as if he was some God on two wheels. So of course, wanting to fit in, we joined in on the hero worship. He is, of course, deserving of a little worship, but Jeff and I have had the pleasure of just shooting the breeze with him and his beautiful wife.

He came up to me after my commercial had aired during the Olympics and struck up a conversation with me. Right afterward, about five different people came up to ask me what the Holy Brendan had said. I wonder if that gets old for him?

Thanks to the Buck Hill race series last year, I learned how to be passed by the fast boys without hindering their race or mine. And I think people like him respect that kind of dedication to the sport; to know the rules and the etiquette and really want to better yourself as a racer. I found men like Brendan and a couple of the other expert/comp guys were FAR nicer to me when I jumped up to Expert than some of the women. I kept hearing things like "She really shouldn't do that" or I even heard "Can't believe they even gave her a license". The real reason I jumped up? Just to see if I could. I made it a personal challenge to train for that level. I'm well aware that I'm not as fast or technical as Rebecca Sauber (who is the prettiest mountain biker on the planet, I swear) but I can honestly I was NEVER dfl...(dead f*cking last as the classy kids say). I am proud to say my cardio is awesome and challenging myself to that level forced me to learn better control and technical skill. I am a much better racer now. So sharing the 1st in Advanced podium spot with Brendan Moore of the maley riders was a proud moment...even if people think it is a race that doesn't matter. It mattered to me!

So that was my Saturday. It was also Jeff's birthday. He turned 29 and spent the night giving me attitude about feeling old and boring. All I wanted to do was give him love and express how blessed I feel to have him as my husband and friend, and instead I got Xbox shoulder and snarky remarks. He can be such a crab sometimes.

Sunday was fun, though. I spent the morning writing music and then we celebrated Jeff's birthday with his parents, brother, and sister-in-law. We also celebrated Halloween with candy :)

Another thing I'd like to ramble aimlessly about is my music. After I lost the weight and settled in to wife/mountain biker life...it took a backseat. People kept ragging on me and telling me what a waste it is for me not to be playing out or buried in the studio. It got really old trying to explain how much happier I was in the new version of me. I just wanted a break from trying to impress people. And I couldn't write a clever lyric if a gun was pointed at me. I was drained.

Now I'm alive creatively again. Granted, some of my inspiration is due to my overactive imagination...but a lot of it is due to the lack of pressure. I feel like I'm safe to write whatever I want. I no longer look at my guitar resentfully. I pick it up and out of nowhere...I have words in my mouth.

So that's where this stuff comes from http://www.purevolume.com/TheSamanthaProject

Modern Severance and the revamp of Make Up My Mind are currently my favorites.

Alright...enough from me. OH I LOST 2 lbs. Okay now that is really it.

Today's mantra? I am going to be the person I want to be today. I am energetic, fit, creative, loving, flirtatious, and kind.