Skinny Bitches and Mad Men

GOOD MORNING!

Getting up at 5:15 in the morning is tough...

especially when you drank too much wine the night before...

But I have some things I would like to share. Since losing a crap ton of weight, many of my friends have asked me for tips, secrets, or just plain encouragement. I cannot express how good this makes me feel. I am not going to lie - I could not have lost the weight without a great support system. My friends of course were wonderful, but the biggest kudos bar in the box goes to my sweetheart, Jeff and his wonderful mother, Marlene. Jeff because DUH he's wonderful and works his butt off so I can have the time to workout and shop for healthy foods and cook healthy meals. He is also wonderful because he loves me and accepts me for the person I am today, while still respecting and loving the person I was back then. Marlene...well, she makes me scarves. 10 lbs. a piece. I really just lost the weight for the scarves.

Anyways, all rambling aside...I wanted to congratulate the friends in my life that have lost weight. My two best friends, Mike and Amy - are both healthier and more toned than they have ever been since I've known them. They are damn sexy if you ask me.

Also, there are about four ladies I know who are constantly working on their bodies. I would name them, but I'm not sure how they would feel knowing I constantly think about them. :-p I hope they know that I am proud of them, and respect all their hard work!

Thinking about this stuff has prompted me to pull out some old photos. Lets compare Sam's. And I apologize in advance for not having a scanner... :)

That picture was taken during homecoming week when I was a queen candidate. Truthfully, I campaigned for the previous 2 years gathering up all of the votes so that I could take on the popular girls and win one for the nerd-team. Then it turned out all of us were the nice ones that got nominated. Anywho...that jacket is a MENS 3XL. I remember when my mom took me to the embroidery shop to get it...I felt so embarrassed and sad that I couldn't even wear the girl's version of the jacket. Fast forward 5 years...

This is my Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Minnesota official warmup jacket. It is a LADIES size Medium. The shorts (compliments of Miss Tara Steele) are also mediums. I love this picture. The medal around my neck is my 3rd place finish in EXPERT at that state race. I feel beautiful and proud.

REWIND!

Let's compare velour outfits here. The one on the left was for picture day. I was so happy because I thought I was adorable. When I got to school that morning, I remember a fellow classmate asking me why I stole a car cover to wrap around my fat. Kids are stupid (car cover, really?) but they are cruel. At least it didn't stop me from thinking I'm adorable! Check out the picture on the right now...Yep...^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ That dress is a personal favorite. It was the first dress I had ever bought that was a size SMALL. From TARGET! Target thinks I'm a small! Yay. Actually, sometimes Target thinks I'm a medium or a large, too...but no need to dwell....SMALL!


I'm not going to bring up the fact that I look like my mother in the picture on the right. OKAY - So! On the left you have my best friend, Michael. Him and I have been friends since high school. My grandma thought we were dating...sorry Grams! Mike likes boys. I didn't know that in high school though...I thought he liked me. Ohh, how many gays I've loved. Finally...my 'dar has improved and I can tell who likes the vajayjay and who does not. Back to topic - Mike and I were both heavy in high school. Maybe that's why we were such good friends...we both felt uncomfortable in our own skin. The picture on the right was taken last year at my other best friend, Amy's birthday shindig. Look how we both are smiling from healthier faces. Healthier minds. Mike was my senior prom date. It was the best prom a girl could ask for...minus the hot and heavy petting everyone else was doing. If anything happens to the love of my life, Jeffreyah, I will marry Mike so he can have health insurance. :)

MOM! ACK! What the hell was the thought process behind this 'do? I love my mom...I do, but man...this is priceless. There isn't even a photo to compare this to now. It's that heinous. Moving on!

Look! Sam on bikes! In the past, my idea of biking was pedaling around on this contraption that left me out of breath and hungry for twinkies! Now I ride a different kind of bike. Still out of breath sometimes, and still hungry for twinkies...sure...but I swear - It's different! Ohh...remember twinkies? Damn. I haven't had one in ages.

Well...there you have it. A little trip into the history of chubby Sam versus lean Sam. I look at these pictures on days when I feel dissatisfied with my current weight or accomplishments. It is hard to be your own biggest cheerleader all of the time. Fortunately for me, I have a bunch of other people telling me I'm beautiful and sexy and gorgeous. That helps. So hey - If you are having one of those days where you feel mopey or fugly, remember how beautiful and sexy and gorgeous you are!

Life is a Daring Adventure or Nothing

This was the title of a friend of mine's blog, and I adored it. So I stole it. Thievery is sometimes acceptable, right?

I am feeling poetic tonight. There are new people in my life that are filling me with all sorts of wonderful feelings. These men and women are reminding me that I am a force of nature. It feels good to be thought of in this way. How could it not?

So I am going to write some poetry...and I have not written like this in ages. Perhaps it's the musical side of me coming out again (as I recently played a gig and now have the bite to play some more).

YOUNG RED WINE

She feels no longer subsequent.
She embraces the brash and is amorous to the brim.
A constant ambush on the senses yet an island in a restless sea.
Rich, mysterious, full-bodied and pleasureful.
She feels the way heaven would feel if poured into a glass.
Drunk on words that linger.
Intoxicated on bliss.


DAYLIGHT

I wake in early hours,
disrupted solitude that leads to wanderlust of the mind.
The stars are brightest when the night is blackest.
It is the kind of beauty you can only stare at for moments before it overwhelms and envelops you.
Then the pink rush of day comes, and reminds you of the truth.
The sun will soon blind me. And I will envy the moon for the company he keeps.


MY SKIN

I am cool to the touch like crisp, fresh linens.
I am silky and smell of lavender.
I glow with anticipation for a weclome interruption.

Life's too Short

This morning, as my Facebook status described, I woke up to the radio. The song "So Into You" came on partway through the last chorus. This song always reminds me of my dad, because it was on one of those best of the 70s compilations that I got from him. In a split moment, I was reminded of those nights when my dad was going through chemo and wasn't able to sleep because he was too jittery. I was going through my night-owl phase - coming creatively alive past 11pm - which worked great for living upstairs in my old house because I could play my guitar as loud as I wanted and he never said a word. Never told me to turn it down. And once in a while, I thanked him by playing something old like that, or Boston, or Foreigner. It will be five years this coming spring that he died. Man, that went by fast.

I went to coffee with a very old friend of mine who was obese just like me as a kid. He was a grade older than I was. We used to spend our weekends making cookie dough and watching movies. He had a cancer scare when he was 17, and the doctors told him to drop the weight or he'd have no chance if it came back. He has lost about 130 lbs. When we were drinking out coffees, we both admitted how unfortunate it was that we waited until now to get healthy. It just feels like life is too short to spend it being big.

I found some pictures yesterday of me circa 2000-2005. When I wore 3XL shirts and size 26-28W pants. I was so sad on the inside. Boys never looked at me in that way. I had no idea how to flirt, as it was never done properly to me. So my attempts at conversation were awkward and probably came off as weird.

Alot of people don't know that Jeff has lost about 50 lbs. He was 205 when I met him. On our first date (Oct. 7th it will be 5 years since we met) - I thought he was heavenly looking and assumed he'd take one look at me and call it a night. He didn't. Flash forward to more than 150 lbs. lost between the both of us...our meals are for the most part planned and nutrient rich. They are healthy, and I would say I really enjoy eating them. But sometimes we reminisce about when we ate whatever we wanted. The plates of fettucine alfredo with bacon crumbles. The pizzas and bottles of wine. Pancakes and omelettes. Mmm. Horrible for you. And yeah, people can say "moderation" all they want - but when you're sitting at the table with that plate in front of you - you're not thinking moderation. You're thinking holy shit this looks amazing! So I sparingly allow those treats in our diets because I have no willpower when it is right there, begging for me! Next Thursday is our first date-aversary and we are going to the restaurant we went to on that night. I am going to have the fettucine alfredo because life is too short to ban things alltogether. But I also know that before and after I will be throwing in extra workouts to negate my decision.

Anyways, that was a side-step away from my initial concept of life is too short to be chubba. There's this rider, Rachael Jensen. She's like the fastest thing on two wheels, and I swear she is destined to be on the cover of Bicycling at some point. She is only 13. When I was 13, I was more concerned with the popular girls not making fun of me for being fat and my sister not joining in on the fun. I couldn't bike, and when I did, the frame flexed so bad I thought it would break. I am so ENVIOUS of Rachael. She is so young, and so fit, and just the NICEST young lady on the planet. I hope she appreciates how healthy and active she is. It prompts me to feel disappointed that I didn't get fit sooner. But then again, no regrets and blah blah blah.

My dad ate fast food everyday. My mom NEVER sent him to work with lunch. I don't know if it just happened that way and then became the norm? Or if it was him saying "this is what I'm having!" I wonder if his diet of McDonalds cuisine everyday led to him getting sicker easier? I wonder if he had healthier meals, if his cholestoral would have been better. If his body would have defended itself better. Hmm.

All I know is I am not going to spend another minute on this planet in fat clothes. I am not going to be one of those moms who can barely bend over to pick up their little one. I know life is too short to cut it shorter by being big.

Attention!

So...this past week I have been seeking attention. I'm not sure why. My attention fixation is not by any means a new thing...but I've been able to tone it back as to appear normal and less annoying in my adulthood. As a wee Sam, I never quite knew how to get the attention I wanted.

I would make awkward jokes to the popular girls, hoping they'd laugh and I'd have prestige. Fail - as I found out when one of them pointed out my jelly sandals and deemed me unfit for friendship. As I got older, I would try and attract boys by being funny (it was pretty much all I had) or by playing guitar. Fail yet again - as I seemed to only attract the gays and then the ones I lured in with guitar only wanted to learn Sweet Home Alabama to impress other girls.

Finally, I grew up. Now when I need attention, I ask for it outright. My friends know this about me, and usually indulge me in my quaint little texts saying "What do you love about me?" Of course, I always pay it forward and tell them why they are special to me. After all, who turns down a chance to hear why they are loved?

But lately, it has been a little overwhelming. I'm not sure if it is because of some underlying issue that has my self-esteem feeling shaky? Or maybe we have been so busy with our new house that we're each guilty of partner neglect? Who knows. All I know is I need to be told I'm loved. I need to hear why I am an important person to someone.

That is how I am feeling tonight. I need love. I need attention. And not in a physical way. Just in an "appreciated" way.

Jeff is outside at the bonfire. I can hear his voice...he must be on the phone. I miss him. I want him to come up, shower, and snuggle.

I got my workout in this evening, and am relaxing by writing my feelings out. I had a very good day...eating-wise. Only had a little chocolate after dinner to satisfy my sweet tooth - otherwise, I was very good. And I stayed active ALL damn day. Mini celebration in honor of me!

Alright, enough rambling. I promise I'll write something of merit tomorrow.

It's Finally Quiet

I had a long written explanation about this weekend.
But really all that needs to be said is...

I miss my dad.
I miss him being a part of family things.
I wish I didn't eat as much this weekend.
My heart is sad for my friend Daniel.
And my friend Kim is on my A list for being a rockstar in the kitchen, and a terrific compadre to have in my life.

I also love my other friends...Mike and Amy - you both mean the world to me and life would not be the same without your presence.

And I have been surrounded by family all weekend, and am so thankful for their help - but also thankful for the quiet.

Props to the Evening!

I wanted to write something less dramatic than my earlier post. After gushing my adorable little soul out about my food issues, I snuggled up in my second bedroom and fell into a deep nappage. Jeff said I could paint the guest bedroom any color, and decorate it any way I wished. So, I painted it a pinkish lilac and made it romantic and snuggly. My old bed from when I had my own apartment is covered in blankets and pillows. It's the kind of room you can lose yourself in. The kind of space you feel safe and lovely in. I slept as it poured outside.

Just an FYI, I've been feeling extraordinarily tired the past two days. It's probably due to my daily training and the off-chance that sometimes I'd rather do other things when I should be sleeping...hehe...eye cock!(Eye cock is my new referencing term to that expression you make when you're being clever) So I awoke from my slumber to some chores I wanted to finish. My mother-in-law called to yack...something I have grown to appreciate more and more as my relationship with her son grows. I am blessed to have a great relationship with her. Many wives are not so lucky.

Then out of nowhere, I heard a car come up the drive. I knew it was either the propane man (a.k.a. the guy who calls me Sexy Trouble) or the husband man (the one who knows I am sexy trouble!). Much to my surprise, it was Jeff. He had come home nearly 40 minutes earlier than usual. I had emailed him before said nappage, and told him he needed to help me be good tonight. Meaning tight on calories, and making time for a sweaty workout. He walked through the door - kissed me in that way that only he can - and told me he made me a present.

In the spring, Jeff had bought a cycle-ops trainer for super cheap because it was broken. Then he lost his job, etc...and we forgot all about it. Today he made the piece that was broken (with permission from his boss, of course!) and came home early to set everything up. He even hooked up our big projector, and told me to pick a chick flick and have at it. I am so happy he understands me. He knows exactly what I need...but then again, I also learned from experience he only knows these things because I tell him straight out! We make quite the team!

So, thanks to a wonderful husband, and the return of my motivation and ambition - my caloric intake was PERFECT and I burned 600 calories and threw in an extra weight-lifting session.

Mini-celebration in honor of Sam. I would also like to say a big thank you to Sue, Desta, and Dina, and Andrea - four women who wrote me with four completely different yet equally supportive messages after my last post. Women like you help women like me grow stronger and feel more stable. You rock.

Binge

I just had to stop myself from a full-on binge eating episode. It prompted me to turn on my laptop, and start writing this. Not very many people know about my addiction to food. Sure, people know I've struggled with my weight all my life and blah blah blah. But I think everyone assumes now that I'm down 100 lbs., everything is all good. It's not true. I'm not all good. Somtimes I feel worse.

Blame is a hard thing to do when you're old enough to realize you shouldn't blame anyone but yourself. But I am certain my initial food rewiring came when I was younger. My mom would use food as a reward. Going to the doctor? Trip to Dairy Queen! Just had a cavaty filled at the dentist? Going to Perkins for pancakes! I loved my mother so much in those moments. She knew food made it okay. Until food made me NOT okay. "Samantha, do you want to grow up and be a cow all your life" she would scream at me when she caught me in the fridge. Once, she caught me consoling myself with a bowl of ice cream, and she ran after me yelling the same sentiments. I threw the ice cream down the staircase leading to our lakeshore. She saw me do it, and I was so scared that I hid for hours. She terrified me. And since then, I have never been able to treat food the way a normal person can. Infact, I find myself crying over that memory, and it's nearly 15 years later. My friends think that story is funny...truth be told, it breaks my heart.

I have gotten smarter though...I don't allow triggers in the house. Triggers like ice cream, lots of cereal, breads, cookies...etc. I try to keep binge-friendly foods within eyesight. I can have strawberries, blueberries, vegetables...But lately with the move, people have been giving us food to "stock our shelves with". Suddenly there are boxes of cereals. There are loaves of bread. I find it so hard to be rude and decline such gifts, but damnit it makes life so difficult! I've put on 5 lbs. in the past couple of days because I'm eating foods in quantities that are harmful to me! PLEASE PEOPLE! Help me!

I was fine for breakfast. Just had my hot oats and a perfect calorie intake.
But lunch was the problem. See, when a binge happens...at least for me...I almost zone out. It's like I am not aware I'm doing it. My emotions take over and tell me the food will make me happier. The food will give me pleasure. I started lunch out fine. I made this tofu dish that probably only had about 300 calories in it. The problem was I saw bread in the fridge. The two ends of a loaf just sitting there. So I toasted them up, and put my fake low-cal butter on it. It tasted like love and warm puppies, and BAM - an hour later I was surrounded with evidence of a binge.

Following the tofu and two slices of bread with fake butter...I ate a bowl of cheerios with cut-up banana. Two slices of my low-calorie less tasty flat bread with fake butter. Two granola thins. A couple handful of dried cranberries. A low-calorie granola bar. I'm sure I had some cheese, too...as the bag looked a low in contents. In the blink of an eye, I ate nearly 800 extra calories that I DID NOT NEED. And it's raining and icky out, so I have no chance of burning it off with a bike ride. So, I don't know what I'm going to do...run in place for the next four hours until Jeff gets home? Eeck.

I know some of you are probably thinking I need help. Maybe some of you are thinking there are worse problems in the world to worry about (I know there are). But to me, this is serious. I need support. I need my family to STOP bringing me food that I do not allow! I need to stop treating food as a bandage for when I'm hurt, lonely, cranky, tired, bored...etc.

Maybe I should talk to someone about it...but I keep thinking I can shake this on my own. If I just avoid my triggers, I'll be fine. But every day, I am plagued with the terrifying fear of gaining weight back. I know I'm fit, and I know I am far more healthy and attractive than I have ever been. But I'm so confused on how to treat food. I know the answers on paper, yet when it comes to real life, the 8 year old in me takes over. I'm hoping writing about it will help me find a healthierT output for my emotions. Today is not shot. I will work out and try to burn as much as I can off. And tomorrow, I will make healthier choices. Tomorrow will be a better day.