:)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The Ponder-osa
Oh, Verdana, you saucy minx! I have not seen your font face is ages. I feel like a schoolboy on Sunday, never wanting to wake from this illustrious experience!
I have been pondering a great many things the past couple days. Friends of mine have brought forth some interesting, suggestive concepts that have truly found themselves embedded into my subconscious. These thoughts are just begging to be explored and mulled over. So without further adieu, I give you...my thoughts! Three of them to be exact!
Accept everyone you meet in life as a teacher.
This idea struck me as a revelation. I feel as if my entire adult life (which, granted, has not been so extensive) I have always viewed toxicity as a negative attribute. Toxic people, for instance, found their way into my heart and had to be quarantined and removed like a life-threatening illness. I cursed their names, swallowed my hurt, and vowed never to return to the place of their remembrance. And then this damn saying came to light and I found myself revisiting the past memories of those I had considered cured from my mind. Two people from my past are at the front of that queue. You know how, say, you have an ex that hurt you so badly, just speaking their name leaves you shaking and resentful? These two people have that very effect on me. Yet, applying the above statement, I've started viewing them with a more forgiving, compassionate attitude. They were teachers. Educators, in fact, who taught me very difficult lessons. I often found myself praying for the Butterfly Effect, wishing I could wipe clean the entire slate that bore their impact on my impressionable, younger self. Now, I find myself realizing that without their influence, I would not have the wisdom to recognize detriment. I would not appreciate the good in people, or the importance of forgiveness. I still taste a little bitterness in my mouth when their names escape my lips, but I am beginning to smile at the better moments of those experiences. And with that realization, that everyone I meet is a teacher, I can embrace new people and experiences with interest and true passion.
Everyone has a word. One word that describes who they are within. What is your word?
PASSION. My word is passion. Or passionate...whichever context is appropriate. Ever since I was a little Sampson, I had this lust for experience. There is a part of me I share very rarely with people who come in to my life...I have a very heightened sense of awareness. You know that feeling of Deja Vu? No, not the grimey, sticky stripper poles of the Vu in the metro, but the actual feeling you've seen or done something before? I have that constantly. On average, about 8-10 times per day. Sometimes the feeling is mere seconds, but sometimes it can last over an hour. I tend to keep that side of me private, because people think it means I'm either crazy or should be able to know lottery numbers. Either way, no go. But that awareness has always driven my passion. If I sense the Dej, as I like to call it, coming on - I have this insatiable lust to want to experience whatever it is I'm about to experience. I want to taste every morsel of whatever is happening to me. I want the moment to resonate in my bones and completely overtake me. I know no other word for that other than passion.
Aside from the Dej, passion finds itself in me at other junctures. For instance, fitness. I am passionate about my body. I am passionate about being the best version of myself I can be. I am also passionate about people. I want to learn what makes us all who we are. I want to know what has happened in people's lives to make them who they are when I first meet them....when I touch them...when I look into their eyes. It's an unquenchable thirst. I ache to connect with people and feel close to people. Perhaps because I never felt close to anyone as a child. Is it the child in me who wants to feel loved, accepted, and important in everyone's lives?
Everyone has an affliction. What's yours?
That's an easy one, but it brings forth a lot of explanation. No worries, I won't go into details...this is the internet, is it not? Can't have all the mystery of Sam out there in the open. I would say my affliction is addiction. My mother and siblings have an addiction to alcohol. Fortunately, they recognize it and have learned to abstain. Alcohol doesn't do it for me. I mean, I enjoy imbibing and having a good time, but it doesn't give me that rush. I just have the addictive personality in other forms. Food, for me, is the worst. Mainly because there is no abstinence when it comes to food. You cannot just say "No, I'm recovering. No food, thank you". Food is a medication, and it triggers those pleasure receptors in my brain to say "HEY YOU! YOU'RE LOVED!" The past three years in which I made such a complete 180 in my life have given me a new body and new lifestyle, but I still battle daily with food. People have a locked liquor cabinet for the alcoholics in their life...I have a locked food cabinet. Jeff keeps all the bingeables in it. It is ridiculous, yes, but it is the only way it works for me. The addictive personality doesn't stop at food...it latches on to passion and hides itself there thinking I won't recognize it. Mountain biking became an addiction...granted, a good one. Actually, I would consider competition the actual addiction. I learned I could compete and the thrill of comparing myself to others triggered those same pleasure spots and I was hooked. There are other little addictions, but like I said...keep the mystery alive, eh!
So that's about it. No more thoughts at the moment. I am sitting here, sipping my chocolate truffle coffee and pondering what my day will bring.
I have been pondering a great many things the past couple days. Friends of mine have brought forth some interesting, suggestive concepts that have truly found themselves embedded into my subconscious. These thoughts are just begging to be explored and mulled over. So without further adieu, I give you...my thoughts! Three of them to be exact!
Accept everyone you meet in life as a teacher.
This idea struck me as a revelation. I feel as if my entire adult life (which, granted, has not been so extensive) I have always viewed toxicity as a negative attribute. Toxic people, for instance, found their way into my heart and had to be quarantined and removed like a life-threatening illness. I cursed their names, swallowed my hurt, and vowed never to return to the place of their remembrance. And then this damn saying came to light and I found myself revisiting the past memories of those I had considered cured from my mind. Two people from my past are at the front of that queue. You know how, say, you have an ex that hurt you so badly, just speaking their name leaves you shaking and resentful? These two people have that very effect on me. Yet, applying the above statement, I've started viewing them with a more forgiving, compassionate attitude. They were teachers. Educators, in fact, who taught me very difficult lessons. I often found myself praying for the Butterfly Effect, wishing I could wipe clean the entire slate that bore their impact on my impressionable, younger self. Now, I find myself realizing that without their influence, I would not have the wisdom to recognize detriment. I would not appreciate the good in people, or the importance of forgiveness. I still taste a little bitterness in my mouth when their names escape my lips, but I am beginning to smile at the better moments of those experiences. And with that realization, that everyone I meet is a teacher, I can embrace new people and experiences with interest and true passion.
Everyone has a word. One word that describes who they are within. What is your word?
PASSION. My word is passion. Or passionate...whichever context is appropriate. Ever since I was a little Sampson, I had this lust for experience. There is a part of me I share very rarely with people who come in to my life...I have a very heightened sense of awareness. You know that feeling of Deja Vu? No, not the grimey, sticky stripper poles of the Vu in the metro, but the actual feeling you've seen or done something before? I have that constantly. On average, about 8-10 times per day. Sometimes the feeling is mere seconds, but sometimes it can last over an hour. I tend to keep that side of me private, because people think it means I'm either crazy or should be able to know lottery numbers. Either way, no go. But that awareness has always driven my passion. If I sense the Dej, as I like to call it, coming on - I have this insatiable lust to want to experience whatever it is I'm about to experience. I want to taste every morsel of whatever is happening to me. I want the moment to resonate in my bones and completely overtake me. I know no other word for that other than passion.
Aside from the Dej, passion finds itself in me at other junctures. For instance, fitness. I am passionate about my body. I am passionate about being the best version of myself I can be. I am also passionate about people. I want to learn what makes us all who we are. I want to know what has happened in people's lives to make them who they are when I first meet them....when I touch them...when I look into their eyes. It's an unquenchable thirst. I ache to connect with people and feel close to people. Perhaps because I never felt close to anyone as a child. Is it the child in me who wants to feel loved, accepted, and important in everyone's lives?
Everyone has an affliction. What's yours?
That's an easy one, but it brings forth a lot of explanation. No worries, I won't go into details...this is the internet, is it not? Can't have all the mystery of Sam out there in the open. I would say my affliction is addiction. My mother and siblings have an addiction to alcohol. Fortunately, they recognize it and have learned to abstain. Alcohol doesn't do it for me. I mean, I enjoy imbibing and having a good time, but it doesn't give me that rush. I just have the addictive personality in other forms. Food, for me, is the worst. Mainly because there is no abstinence when it comes to food. You cannot just say "No, I'm recovering. No food, thank you". Food is a medication, and it triggers those pleasure receptors in my brain to say "HEY YOU! YOU'RE LOVED!" The past three years in which I made such a complete 180 in my life have given me a new body and new lifestyle, but I still battle daily with food. People have a locked liquor cabinet for the alcoholics in their life...I have a locked food cabinet. Jeff keeps all the bingeables in it. It is ridiculous, yes, but it is the only way it works for me. The addictive personality doesn't stop at food...it latches on to passion and hides itself there thinking I won't recognize it. Mountain biking became an addiction...granted, a good one. Actually, I would consider competition the actual addiction. I learned I could compete and the thrill of comparing myself to others triggered those same pleasure spots and I was hooked. There are other little addictions, but like I said...keep the mystery alive, eh!
So that's about it. No more thoughts at the moment. I am sitting here, sipping my chocolate truffle coffee and pondering what my day will bring.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
1 Holiday Down...2 to Go!
I am sitting in the warm glow of my fireplace. The drive on my laptop keeps whirring and I am snuggled up in an Afghan (the blanket, not the ethnicity). I am tired, and my stomach is full. I tried not to overeat, but it is Thanksgiving...and I have been hard at it for the past two weeks...and I have a million other excuses. Mainly, I am just lazy and wanted food.
Thanksgiving is hard for me. My mom left the first time at Thanksgiving, and then in a couple days comes their wedding anniversary. I remember my father was broken-hearted and angry, and I was washing dishes from the makeshift meal my Grandmother had prepared to help keep normalcy. (I was the only child left at our house by this time.) In a fit of rage, he yanked off his wedding ring and threw it from the living room. It hit me and I broke a plate. I had never felt so uncared for or invisible.
I know it has been six years, but that scene haunts me come this time of year.
Even sitting here, thinking about it, my eyes well up as if I am slicing into an onion.
Thanksgiving wasn't always so bad. It was my favorite holiday, save for Christmas. So I try to remember those instead. And truth be told, it is nice having my husband's side of the family to take comfort in. And I know I am welcome at my mom and her boyfriend's, but I still feel out of place and it is a little painful. I just wish I had a different defense mechanism than eating. I reach for food when I am sad. And Thanksgiving is like a giant apology for my pain.
But I will hide the scale for a couple days, kick ass on the bike, and eat sensibly. Whatever I put on today will vamoose and then it is just Christmas and New Year's to tackle. New Year's is another one of my favorite holidays. Nothing like the feel of a fresh start.
I am thinking of what I am thankful for. I am thankful for family, even with the past sometimes leaving me feeling confused or sad, they are still in my life and love me (well, minus the whole dead father thang) and my family that I am a part of with Jeff. I am thankful for my husband, because without him, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be thinner, I wouldn't be healthy, and I wouldn't be as happy. Even with my quirks, my feelings, and my vices, he loves me and takes me in whatever version of myself I wake up in. I am thankful for my other relationships, with my friends who are practically family. I am thankful for a home, heat, a vehicle, food, and my relatively untouched mind. I am thankful for my gifts of music and creativity in general.
I am thankful for those people in my life who leave me feeling beautiful, who leave me feeling important and inspired.
I am thankful for the people who have taught me lessons, even if they were painful ones.
All in all, I am thankful for the ability to take a breath, and do something with it.
Happy Thanksgiving :)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
A Little Tease
So, I started playing with a song. It's completely written and recorded...but now I have the lengthly task of mixing and adjusting and playing to get it right. But, since I hyped how awesome I thought I was last night...I am posting a little teaser. It is two parts of the song just thrown together in an mp3.
https://sites.google.com/site/thesamanthaproject/Teaser.mp3
https://sites.google.com/site/thesamanthaproject/Teaser.mp3
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The Letter
http://www.purevolume.com/TheSamanthaProject/albums/Teasers
This song is brand new. It was inspired a little from my parent's divorce, as well as some of the neglect that I'm sure all wives feel sometime or another...We can call it a glorified anthem to the hunting widows? I guess what I am trying to say is don't read too much into it. Music I write is not necessarily drawn from the entirety of my personal life.
Also, this is just a sample from the work I've been doing. You'll notice there isn't bass on the song. You'll also notice the levels are a little funky during the jam-out at the end. Everything will get eventually messed with to perfection. The telephone sounding EQ though throughout the beginning is intentional, though. Just sayin'.
Friday, November 12, 2010
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